Understanding Icebergs

Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's our culture. Make a statement with any kind of bite to it, and watch the fur fly! Before the words have had time to sink into our brain cells, we snap back in response. I see it too often.

Communication is a two-way process and listeners rarely have the patience to do their part. The very concept of "understanding" is working to discern what "stands under" the words we have heard uttered. Each tongue is the tip of an iceberg or the peak of a mountain that is undergirded by a massive history of life experiences, cultural perspectives and genetic predispositions. Often the only way to comprehend the genuine intent of a statement is to ask some questions and do some biographical archaeology. It is easier for most listeners, though, to engage in a instantaneous, bizarre transplant, replacing the life experience of the speaker with our own- our assumptions crudely sewn to their tongue. A deadly mix, indeed.

Good communication is vitally linked to empathy. We will never understand the bitterness of certain people until we learn to appreciate the pain they have suffered. We will never understand the innovative bent of some people's suggestions until we learn more about their personality or their experiences with stagnant processes. Life experience shapes speech more dramatically than we might suspect.

I have several friends who will periodically call on the phone and say something like, "So, how was he feeling today?" or "Well, what did she say about that?" That's actually how the conversation starts. They give me no clue as to who or what they are talking about. I will be stunned in silence for a moment wracking my brain to comprehend what scenario is playing on the video screen of their mind. Sometimes I'll figure it out before the silence goes too long. Sometimes I'm at a loss and I'll just have to say, "Who/What are you talking about?"

What stands under our words is so important for comprehension. I have tried hard to listen slowly and respond even more slowly, asking as I go what lies beneath the message I've heard. I don't want to just talk. I want to communicate.